I spend a fair amount of time thinking about the cumulative nature of lots of things, probably because we live in an obsessively discrete world. Everything that happens is ohmyGodthishasneverhappenedbefore in a weird communal solipsism effect that, I suppose, comes with the news cycle and constant updates from those annoying boxes we carry in our pockets. It’s all about me and the moment. Or you.
Like Einstein, I desperately want to believe in a deterministic universe, where everything can be traced back to a time when, with enough perspective and technology, we could accurately predict what was going to happen.
Of course, Einstein was talking about subatomic particles. I am talking about the common cold.
Doesn’t it make sense, though, in a layman’s way? In a non-infectious disease specialist sort of way? In a mostly made-up way?
I have a month of increasing stress and busyness, culminating in this big gala/auction event on the 9th, and then the Seattle premiere of our film on the 13th. Four days of crescendo and diminuendo, cresting and troughing after weeks of activities, and about a week later?
Sore throat, stuffy nose, slight fever, a lethargy that looked a lot like sloth, and a few naps. This has been my past couple of days, and it makes perfect sense to me. For all I know, I’ve cycled through various episodes of mild virus invasion over the past month. I just have time to notice now.
But better now! Still up at 4:30am, but asleep by 9pm, so. Nothing alarming there. I appear to have survived with only mild annoyance and some cabin fever.
I’m not allowing a let-down effect off the hook, either. Who really knows how our immune systems work?
Something feels over, though. It’s not just the movie (or the gala, for that matter). It’s the waiting. My schedule has suddenly cleared. My time is still not entirely my own, but I will spend less time battling rush hour and getting a sore butt in the process.
And maybe I’ll eat again, which has been an ongoing issue. Who knew? I certainly didn’t; I just wanted to work on changing bad habits, and also as a preemptive strike against what I saw as an opportunity coming to binge watch Netflix and eating dumb food. So I made some changes, and inadvertently turned off my appetite.
Long after I’d reached a very happy weight/size, in fact, I was (and am) still staring at my plate containing an enchilada and scads of beans and rice to make it look like a big ol’ meal, and deciding that I don’t really need the beans and rice. So I skip them. Happens all the time now. Tortilla chips too.
So what looked like a simple goal of reaching 175 pounds by mid-summer, starting at around 188, changed once I actually got on a scale and realized it was closer to 197. Would just take a little longer. In fact, I didn’t hit 175 until early September. Then 170 a month later. Yesterday it was 162. I overshot.
So my cold yesterday may have been just that, hunger. I was ravenous all day, and indulged that with a clear conscience. Not the best nutrition, but calories are calories. A single Krispy Kreme would be worth serious gold a few thousand years ago, just for the energy alone. It would be the Tesla of food, magical energy.
I got some of that, then, leftovers mostly, some chicken, nearly-empty containers of gelato stuck in the freezer with a limited (now) sweet tooth using the rice-and-beans rule. Don’t want it, don’t need it, don’t eat it.
By the way, 162 pounds isn’t alarming. Doing a quick Google, it seems that my ideal weight varies from somewhere in the 150s all the way up to the high 170s. I’m good here, as long as I stay here, more or less. I bought two pair of Levi 501 jeans, remembering how well those fit, sort of pleased with the 31-inch waistline, which I thought I’d never see again.
But at the age of 57, this is mostly a comfort issue, just how clothes fit and what my options are. Vanity isn’t much of a player, and health isn’t an issue aside from the occasional puny virus.
The biggest question, and not talking about weight here, is what’s next? If my world view is correct, it lies percolating in the past. Now to just figure that part out. I’ve got the sneezing down by now.