I run a small business, and I need widgets. You’re the owner of a widget factory. I’m me. You’re Bob.

Hi Bob!

My customers are important to me. They’re become accustomed to quality service and products. Widgets are a big part of this. They expect good widgets from me. That’s why you’re my number one guy, Bob!

But just as I was preparing to place a very big order for some very important widgets, I heard some disturbing news, Bob. Someone said you’ve been making widgets with swastikas on them.

Let me explain, you say. I’m listening. Swastikas are bad, Bob.

You say you were trying to be edgy. You say this was a limited edition. You say you also make some with that little fish thing with legs that says “Darwin.” You say this pokes fun at Christian people with their little fish symbol.

I don’t really buy this equal opportunity bashing argument. First, bashing is bashing. Second, lots of Christians are just fine with Darwin and science and evolution.

I don’t know anyone who’s fine with swastikas except, you know.

Still waiting, Bob.

I can buy other widgets. Plenty of widget makers in this world, but I like the quality of your widgets, Bob. Give me something to work with here. You’ve still got some ‘splaining to do.

Bob does one of two things in this scenario.

He tells me, look, I screwed up. I was trying to be funny and get some attention, and I made an awful, appalling mistake. I didn’t realize how many people would be upset and offended, because I didn’t think about their feelings and the meaning and the whole business. I’ve destroyed all those widgets, and I’ll never make them again. I’ve learned my lesson, and I’m putting a big sign on my factory that apologizes to everyone for my error in judgment.

I’ve known Bob a long time. This feels heartfelt and sincere to me. He seems like a decent guy. I’ll keep my eye out but I’m leaning toward giving him the benefit of the doubt, as well as my business.

Second option. Bob shrugs his shoulders. I make widgets, he says. I put designs on them. That’s what I do. That’s my thing, my stock in trade. Hey, I’m sorry if anyone got offended. It wasn’t my intention.

Oh Bob.

...

I like the way Jamelle Bouie refers to Shane Gillis as that Shane guy. That’s about my level of interest in this comic, unknown to me, who was hired and then unhired by the producers of Saturday Night Live after some tweets and comments with offensive stereotypes about Asian people. A lot of it just sounds immature to me, but it’s ugly and certainly not funny.

In case you missed it somehow, Shane took door #2 above. What he apparently tried to pass off as an apology came across the way it would if I said I’m sorry those people lost their homes in that hurricane. I had nothing to do with it, but sure. I’m sorry about it.

This Shane guy caused the hurricane, if you follow.

Again, this barely interests me. I don’t pay attention to SNL anymore.

But there are other people I do pay attention to. These would be other comedians, ones I admire and appreciate. They’re revved up the #CancelCulture argument again.

You know. Kevin Spacey is accused of groping a lot of people—in fairness, a lot of people—and he’s kicked off his Netflix series and literally replaced in a film he’d already finished. He was canceled.

Bill Cosby has been made an unperson. Louis CK is still out in the cold. Michael Jackson is dead, but his legacy is tarnished and quickly disappearing.

All of these people took the second option, along with a lot of comments about overly sensitive people and the horrors of political correctness. Didn’t seem to help themselves with that approach.

Apologies don’t fix everything. There are plenty of apologies in courtrooms during sentencing. Nobody gets to go home on the basis of saying they’re sorry.

But jeez. It seems like a reasonable first step, particularly in the entertainment business. We like the people who give us pleasure, and we’re forgiving of their sins if given half a chance. That All-Pro linebacker with the domestic abuse rap sheet. That actor who dumped his wife for a trophy bride. Any number of entertainers who are solemnly shipped off to rehab for the 14th time. Give us something, anything, and we’ll stick with you.

Bouie makes a solid point above about the seduction of racism, but this is about more than race. It’s about this #Sorry/NotSorryCulture, the inability of some famous people, caught with their hands in the cookie jar, to say they’re sorry. Instead, we get hey, stealing shit is part of my thing, but sorry about the hurricane.

Once again, I don’t care at all about Shane Gillis, or SNL. My guess is that he’s marginally talented, and that the odds of him having a comedy career are in the low single digits now. Maybe always, but definitely now.

But he had a golden opportunity, and plenty of examples of other cookie thieves. Maybe he’s just an idiot.

Or maybe this is everyone’s thing now.

There’s been some overcorrection, definitely. Careers have been derailed by sometimes unfounded or barely corroborated accusations. Maybe time will help justice in these cases, which are real if few.

But no one deserves fame and fortune as a right. It’s a contract between them and us, as well as them and the people writing their checks. Louis CK is free to perform comedy wherever someone will let him. I won’t be watching. Sorry if his mansion feels emptier these days. Not sorry.

Is that your hand in the jar? Is that a cookie? Bob?